The Story of Lasagna, Pizza Bread and Feeding Kids

I grew up on an acre of land in New York.  The property had many, many deciduous trees scattered throughout.  They were mostly oak with a cluster of sassafras and birch trees.  The fall foliage was incredible - but then the leaves came down.  Somewhere along my childhood my mother invented a social event: the leaf raking party.  She made lasagna while we invited friends over to rake leaves.  The yard was done in half the time and then everyone would gather around the table for a delicious dinner.  That definitely left an impression on me, mostly that if you offer to feed teenagers and young adults they will come out of the woodwork.

These days I have a much, much smaller yard and a lawn mower that picks up the trimmings.  This definitely frees up our Saturdays so we can take in a little college football.  This past weekend we had the opportunity to see a Duck football game and then visit with Emily for a bit. Since the game was over by late afternoon, we planned to bring some groceries to her house and cook a quick meal for her and her friends.

To give you an idea of where Emily lives, she is in a house with 44 other young women.  This house has a brother house with 28 young men living there.  Given that there is usually a cook on premise during the week you can imagine the size of the kitchen.  The kids are on their own for meals on the weekend, so we figured we might be feeding more than our own children Saturday night.  We asked Emily for a meal suggestion and she came up with pizza bread, an easy recipe my sister-in-law gave me when we started hosting team dinners.  So John had made up six batches of pizza dough that could rise while we were at the football game.  We tossed the other ingredients in a cooler, along with salad fixings.

After the game we made it back to the house and began to unload the coolers.  This cooking area is set up so a counter spans the length of the kitchen.  This counter has about ten stools where the kids can sit and look into the work area while eating or talking.  Once we had assembled the pans and cutting boards, we went to work.  Three of us rolled out the dough balls and began to assemble the loaves.  Kids started to congregate and socialize, partially out of curiosity about these parents cooking away, partially because of the marinara smells wafting in the air.  Emily would greet them all, make introductions and invite everyone to stick around and try some pizza bread.  Once all the loaves were out of the oven I had to make a decision: do we set the dining room table and invite everyone to join us?  Should I simply bring the platters to the counter where all had assembled and forgo my vision of a family-style dinner?  Looking at the group I decided to simply serve at the counter and keep it casual.  I feared we might lose a few in the transition to the dining room.  So we set out bowls of marinara for dipping and plates of sliced pizza bread.  I took a spot along the counter and listened to the stories the kids told, met some new gals and a few of the guys, and simply took in all the energy.  It was not the meal I planned per se, it was even better.

The older I get, the wiser I realize my mother was when raising me.  She knew if you cook a meal for young adults, make extra.  She also knew that if you want to know what is going on your child's life, invite a bunch of his or her friends over and simply listen.  Somewhere along the way I lost count of how many we fed that night, but I know stories were told and we laughed a lot.  So I continue to apply the things my mom taught me: hospitality is another word for love and when it comes to feeding young adults, cook a lot of food.  We didn't have to rake leaves this weekend, but the tradition of feeding the kids and their friends continues.

Youth Sports: Wrap It Up on Time Coach

I love youth sports.  My children have played on at least 120 different teams over the past 14 years and that alone should prove that point.  I say "at least" because I couldn't accurately count the Fall and Spring basketball teams the boys played on, All Star and Honors Little League or the Club water polo team Emily competed with since I can't exactly remember when each started those.  So all in all we could be talking closer to 135 different teams with the three kids across the four seasons.  I know their participation in youth sports has shaped them into wonderful young adults.  The lessons learned on the field, court, pool and diamond include leadership, responsibility, goal setting, roles, that life is not always fair and the refs don't always call things the way you see them.  But there is one thing that pushes my buttons, and that is when the coach keeps the athletes after practice when I have other places to go.

In the beginning of my parenting years, I didn't mind too much as we weren't so immersed.  Before I knew it, all three kids were doing sports from Fall through Spring.  During those years I wasn't as concerned if my kids made the highest level team, for me it was all about the carpool - who on this team lives near us?!  The Fall was always the hardest as the kids became older.  John would be coaching full time at the high school and left me to get all three children to and from practices, which is why I relied on carpools so much.  As the children reached later elementary years, I noticed a trend where the practices ran past the scheduled time.  Sometimes it was because the coaches had the athletes do some of the clean up and transport of equipment back to their cars.  OK, I understand we are building responsibility.  As we entered the middle school years, I noticed team meetings after practices that stretched the "end time" by another 20 minutes.  Well, I guess they are learning more about their roles as teammates and possibly game strategies.  But always in the back of my mind I thought to myself "if this meeting time is so important, extend the end time in the email sent out to all the parents!"

There was one time period and one particular season that is embedded in my memory.  It was the Fall of Emily, Jack and Smyth's 9th, 7th and 5th as well as their 10th, 8th and 6th grade years.  It was the Fall, so John was coaching more than full time and I was left getting everyone to their water polo, soccer and football practices and games.  Emily did not have her license yet so I was flying solo.  I ended up paying an upper class man who played water polo and lived near us to transport Emily consistently.  Best $5 per week I ever spent.  So that left me picking up Jack from Rock Creek and Smyth from Five Oaks at exactly the same time.  For those of you familiar with the area, you would think grabbing Smyth from Five Oaks then dealing with the six traffic lights in rush hour (which sometimes meant waiting through two to three cycles to get through each light) and heading to Rock Creek would make the most sense.  Except football practices NEVER end when the email says they end.  So, many times I would try to run to the other school to get Jack only to come back and find Smyth with the team parent in the parking lot giving me the evil eye - because those six lights can take 30 minutes round trip that time of night.  So often I was left with the decision of figuring out which child to leave stranded at a field waiting for me because their coach doesn't end practice when they say it will end.  Often I sacrificed Smyth knowing there were several moms who I got to know and they made sure he was safe while I did battle with traffic and hoping all the while the soccer coach kept a better time schedule.  Sometimes that worked, other times weren't so pretty.  Eventually I asked one of the football coaches for rides for Smyth and he was always gracious.  But still, in the back of my mind I just wished they would manage their time better so I could manage mine!!  If the clean up and the meetings are so important, budget time for them in the practice and stick to the schedule.  It would certainly make my carpool time more relaxed knowing exact end times!!  I really became grumpy when I would leave my high school student's game to pick my middle school student up from practice only to sit in a parking lot - waiting for another 20 minutes, missing the second half of the game.

Today was one of those days.  Our baseball double header was rained out so a last minute batting practice was called for 2pm.  No end time in the email - oops!!  I sent Smyth with his cell phone, but then ran into one of the coaches in the parking lot.  He told me it would be an hour, and if it is different, he would have Smyth text me.  OK, fair enough.  I did get a text telling me the practice would be and hour and a half so whoo hoo, schedule the errands.  John is out of town, so I time everything and head back to the school at the designated time.  Yet I ended up sitting there another 30 minutes.

At this point I would like to write an open letter to all youth coaches.  I would tell them that I completely understand they are volunteers and I appreciate the time commitment they invest in these athletes.  I would let them know my husband has volunteered to coach both youth basketball and baseball for more then 14 years, so I really do understand their time commitment is tremendous.  The one piece of constructive criticism I would give is that they need to honor my time commitment too, especially when I have two to three children to pick up at the exact same time from three different locations.  I would love to say my husband is diligent in this area when he coaches, but honestly he needs to hear it too.  Families in sports often run on a tight time schedule in the evening, so when you think the wisdom you need to pass along to the athletes right after practice is more important than keeping to the schedule you sent out in an email - think again.  We also teach these athletes a lot about time management.  So speaking for all the parents with multiple children playing on multiple teams, just tell me when practice really ends and I'll be there.

A Mother Can Only Be as Happy as...

When my children were all small a very insightful mom told me "a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child."  This wise mother is John's cousin Jane.  Her boys were in high school and college at the time, and she was staying in Portland because one of her boys was hospitalized here.  That phrase has stayed with me over these years and when things get rough with raising teens, I often reflect back on it.

Six weeks ago Jack was diagnosed with mono.  Certainly not a terminal disease, but one that has brought a lot of stress into our lives.  Although Jack is through with the acute phase of mono, he relapsed and the fatigue drags on as the homework assignments pile up.  Additionally, he does not intrinsically want to eat.  He lost twenty pounds in the first couple of weeks as he had no appetite and it hurt to swallow, so he didn't.  He is slowly putting some meat back on his bones, but it takes reminding and planning.

Jack is a Junior in high school and carries a pretty strenuous class load.  He has three college level classes, two math classes and a foreign language which is much more academic rigor then I ever took!  Now, did I mention he hasn't been in school for the past six weeks and it doesn't look like he is going back any time soon?  Between this and the weight loss, much of what I do revolves around mono.

These last few days I have wrestled with some different strategies for getting Jack caught up before the end of the semester (which is only 21 school days away).  John and I thought that between both our gifts and talents we should be able to teach several of these content areas to Jack and get him caught up.  But did you know that people with mono aren't awake for long periods of time?  Jack can sleep for 14-16 hours straight, be awake for four or five hours, then sleep for another ten hours straight.  It is much easier to figure out a strategy to help him gain back some weight then it is to catch up on the school work!

As I mentioned earlier, I have wrestled with some different educational strategies.  One that was suggested was a getting a Home Teacher from the school district.  It sounds simple on the surface - the student has been out of school for the most part for six weeks so he should qualify for this service.  But, this brings about a boat load of questions for me: How will this look on his college transcript? Will he still be eligible to play basketball once he is healthy? Will they teach the same classes or minimize his current schedule?  Who will issue the grade - the Home Teacher or school teacher?  Now I am sure some of you paused when you read the word basketball, but that is an intergal part of my struggle.  It would be easy for me to tell him "we need to focus on academics and not worry about sports" - but I know basketball is a very strong motivator for Jack.  So on the surface this strategy sounds simple, but the more I think about it, the more complicated it is.  Hence, I have been wrestling with this decision.

So reflecting back on what Jane said so many years ago, I now understand her meaning.  Although Jack is not technically unhappy (tired, and at times crabby), the mono has brought about some parenting stress.  I plan his meals, monitor his caloric intake, call the school everyday, email all his teachers, plan with Jack what one class he can manage to go to the next day, work with him during his peak time to get some work done, triage with Jack and John the assignments, and more.  It is hard to find happiness when juggling all these things and when I look at him I know I am shouldering more of the stress in this situation.  I guess that goes with the parenting role, and what Jane said, "a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child." 

All three kids - happy at the same time - make for a happy mama.

I pray when this chapter has past I can look back and know I made the right choice.  I signed the paper today that will hopefully bring us help as we dig out of this hole I shall name "the mono pit."  I pray it does not have a negative impact on his ability to play basketball when he is healthy or longer term consequences on his final transcript.  I pray he regains his health soon and is able to return to school full time.  I pray for patience as I seem to have run out.  Most of all, I pray that each of my children will be happy and healthy at the same time, so this mama may also be happy.

The Family Dynamic

Dan, Kate, John, Mom and Pat

I am the youngest of four and the only girl.  There is a fourteen-year age difference between my oldest brother and me.  This actually was a huge blessing for me as we lost our Dad when I was 17.  I believe these three factors created an interesting dynamic among us. 

Some of my earliest memories of the two oldest boys are from their late high school years, and I specifically remember in preschool sending Pat letters when he was in college.  To a preschooler “letters” meant: A A A A A A A A B B B B, and so on.  Clearly I was still a literal thinker at that point in my development.  I also remember engraving letters on the living room coffee table with a set of car keys one brother left there, but I digress.  By the time I was in 5^th grade Dan and Pat had finished college and married their high school sweethearts.  John was close to finishing high school at that point.  By the time I was in junior high I was the only child living at home.  So basically half my childhood involved my brothers in the home, and half was similar to being an only child with the addition of these adult men around for family gatherings. 

Pat taking me for a ride on our cousins' pony. 

We developed strong relationships, but different from what you would expect if we were closer in age.  I couldn’t compete with them fairly in any games, though John did enjoy beating me in Monopoly and chess.  I could swim faster, but since they are all at or above the six-foot mark, they often beat my small stature in the dive.  But still, we did lots of things together, just not your typical “growing up together” stuff.

Throughout my childhood our family was rooted in traditions, so even though the older boys didn’t live under the same roof we shared these traditions, which contributed to our closeness.  The brothers who lived nearby were part of the same church family and each Sunday we shared a large Sunday brunch that included our neighbors, the Cullinanes.  Each week any member of either family could count on scrambled eggs, fresh rolls, orange juice, coffee and bacon.  Both families had large homes, yards and pools so when it was hot everyone gathered for swimming and a barbeque.  The same people gathered for Christmas and birthdays.  These traditions kept my brothers and their growing families around the old homestead, and me.

Some of the family in Breckenridge for Ryan and Lauren's wedding

My oldest brother Dan entered the air force after college.  As newlyweds he and Stephanie traveled to Texas, California, New Hampshire and Ohio.   I remember spending Spring Break in New Hampshire with my sister-in-law’s youngest sister.  I think Dan ended up being on “Alert” all week, but we had a blast learning to macramé hanging plant holders!  When my parents wanted to get away for the weekend I could stay with Pat and Peggy, who lived closer to us.  John married a little later in life but I have fond memories of when he began his professional career.  He lived local and didn’t have a washer or dryer so paid me to do his laundry.  That was a win-win for both of us.  During that time he would take me out for dinner about once a month, which was a real treat in the late 70’s.

As adults we all had children of our own over the course of 20+ years.  During that time, we each moved in different directions as well.  I have the youngest of the nieces and nephews for obvious reasons.  To give you an idea of the age spread, Smyth was born about ten days after my second oldest niece graduated from college.  Besides the age difference, this generation of Bradys is faced with geographic challenges.  Both John and I put roots down on the west coast, he in Southern California and me in the Northwest.  Once Dan was finished with his military service, his family stayed in the east.  Pat ended up spending a couple of decades moving around, mostly on the eastern seaboard, but there was a stint in California.

My lovely mom and beautiful sister-in-laws

Once the West Coast siblings had children, the sister-in-laws decided to make a concerted effort to have family reunions so all the cousins could be together at once.  Although we traveled to see each other, it was important to gather everyone at one time so the cousins could all make connections.  The first was right after Emily was born and we held it in New Jersey.  The next one was shortly after Jack was born and was more of a “destination” reunion.  We rented condos on Lake Tahoe and had a blast.  The last big one we had was in Sunriver, Oregon.  By this time the oldest cousins were college age and often couldn’t get time off or were away on their own summer adventures.  Within a few years our family reunions morphed into gathering for one of the nieces or nephews weddings.  Time does march on, but it still gave us reason to gather everyone at one time.

Fun in the sun with nieces and sister-in-laws

These days all of the nieces and nephews are adults with the exception of Jack and Smyth.  Some live near each other and some have traveled off to different states.  It has been fun to watch the cousin relationships mature over the years and to see their interactions with the aunts, uncles and grandparents.  It is nice to see the intentionality of the cousins to gather together for weddings, births of children or a simple barbeque.  It is also beautiful to watch them honor their grandmother with visits, computer help, clothes shopping and making her eggplant Parmesan.  I paint an ideal picture of our family life, but there have been bumps in the road for all of us.  That however is a different essay, and I dare not digress in that direction.

Watching the interactions of this next generation of Bradys has made me realize a couple of things.  First, there are times I feel closer to my nieces in our season of life, than my brothers.  Part of that is an illusion on my part of thinking I am younger than my years and part might be the girl connection.  My brothers still have an important role in my life, but given our age difference it is what I would term a loving mentor relationship.  I have spent many a tax season on the phone with Pat and John is my go-to for computer and software help.  Dan works on household projects when he visits, installing thermostats and touching up paint.  Each of my brothers married women I consider friends and practically sisters.   I feel incredibly blessed to have the support and connections with my brothers and sister-in-laws, for they have helped shape me into the adult I am today. 

Still, I feel a strong connection to my nieces and nephews who have grown into incredible, caring adults.  I love who they are and the relationship they have with each other and my children.  Some of my nieces helped Emily navigate through some bumps in the road during high school, which drew them even closer.  Jack is starting to look at colleges and is intrigued by some of the nephews’ alma maters.  And Smyth, well he just knows there is a whole lot of loving whenever he sees his cousins.  All that leaves me smiling, knowing that my kids feel part of something bigger than our little family.  They know there are a whole lot of cousins, aunts and uncles and a couple of grandmothers who all have their backs.  That is the dynamic I love, and it is one that came about with intention.  With that said, it is time for another wedding gathering, and luckily for us there is one on the horizon.