It is Hard to Always Look on the Bright Side, Seriously Hard

I always try to be an optimist.  I say "try" because at times it is easier for the pendulum to swing the other way and focus on the negative.  Some situations are easier than others, but it seems that lately I have had to push myself to frame certain experiences in a positive light.  An example of an easier situation is sending Emily off to college.  When I miss her, I immediately remind myself of how great she is doing, how ready for this she is, and we have so many easy ways to stay in touch through social media than when I went off to college.  There, I just put that in a positive frame and I feel better.  But there are situations that just drag me down.  I am certain if I made a pro/con list for these, the cons would out number the pros.  That is when I have  hard time staying positive.  I try to cue myself to think positively, but it doesn't always last long.  Today I realized that maybe I am struggling so much with this because I have two areas in my life that take a lot of energy to stay positive about.  That alone might be the draining factor.  One area is hard enough, but two areas is very stressful.

This is a difficult year to be an educator in my town.  Our District has dealt with the economy over the past couple of years by finding and consolidating resources so there would be minimal impact in the actual classroom.  This year the reserves are spent and any non-classroom cuts were done in previous years, so we experienced a massive wave of teacher lay offs.  Needless to say the stress level is high as we adapt to incredibly large class sizes and a new schedule coupled with learning a new computer system for tracking everything from attendance to grades.  I returned to my middle school this year to find some of my close friends were laid off or transferred to other locations.  I mourn the loss of support from these people in a time when I need it the most.  I try to frame this in a positive light focusing on the fact that I still have a job, I didn't have to move classrooms or buildings, I really like the people still in my building and I still love working with the students.  But then something will trigger all the stress all over again, and I am thinking about the loss all over again.

Maybe I would have the strength to deal with all these changes if I weren't also dealing with some health issues.  Five years ago I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease and experienced a constellation of health issues.  Graves' is an autoimmune disease that starts with difficulties with the thyroid.  I had a tumor twice the size of the normal thyroid gland at the time of my diagnosis.  I experienced everything from a tremor in my hands, heart palpitations, hair loss and insomnia.  After the diagnosis I had issues with anxiety and depression as well.  Once the thyroid was gone and we were able to get my blood levels under control, these symptoms subsided.  I mistakenly thought taking my thyroid medication would prevent me from dealing with any further issues associated with Graves.  I was wrong.

A year ago I noticed a weird swelling above and below one of my eyes.  I noticed it mostly when I put make up on or in photos on me.  People assured me it didn't look odd to them, but as October progressed into November the swelling didn't go away.  I tried icing it, changing out all my make up and resting.  I made an appointment with my eye doctor thinking maybe it was a strange stye or something.  She couldn't find the root of it, but was concerned enough to refer me onto a specialist.  That was a year ago and I have been to three different eye specialists as this continued to progress into the muscles and soft tissues around the eye swelled changing both the structure and movement of the right eye, and causing a vision change.  Each specialist ordered tests and came up with a surgical plan to correct one symptom or another.  Days before the first surgery I went to the third specialist as recommended by the second specialist to rule out Mysthenia Gravis.  He did, but he also ruled out the surgery and did tests and blood work to confirm the ultimate diagnosis.  It was the Graves' Disease flaring up again.  Really?  I thought I was done with that!  My right eye has a small bit of protrusion compared to the left, but not noticeable for most to see.  Basically this diagnosis means I am currently on my way to Marty Feldman eye(s).

In August I started an IV Infusion treatment that will run the course of three months.  Initially it was a struggle, I was anxious about the process and the side effects.  I was also really bummed that the timing meant John couldn't go with me because just like the first time the Graves' Disease flared up, it was football season.  I am blessed with a friend who rearranged her busy schedule to go and sit with me each week, which has reduced my anxiety and frustration immensely.  But the stress remains as I just completed week 10 and I see no difference in the level of swelling.  They have and will again measure through blood work to see if my antibody levels go down, but I see nothing different on the outside.  Surgery will be done, but I think the tissues have to resume their natural state first, and clearly I can't control the timing.

These two factors coinciding have tested my ability to be an optimist.  I can tell you all the blessings in my life, but add one more layer of stress - like food shopping - and I am grumpy as all get out!  Work stress and health issues are not conducive in my world.  So what in this can I control?  I guess it goes back to my attitude.  Of the diseases out there, this one is chronic, but not life threatening.  I have a job doing what I love.  Just frame the positives, deal with the other stuff, but don't let it own me.  I guess I can still be an optimist, as long as I remind myself.  So instead of feeling negative about the insomnia side effect from the IV Infusions, I will just think of it as increased productivity time.  After all, I tend to write these blogs between 1-5am.  That's positive, isn't it?

Family Traditions

Just the kids on Christmas Eve...
too many adults to get in one picture!

I have always been intentional about creating “family traditions.”  We moved away from our immediate family, which meant we had to come up with things that could morph into traditions.  Some have worked, such as inviting anyone from church who didn’t have a better plan, to come to our house for Christmas Eve.  Other attempts at creating a family tradition have not fared as well, such as waiting until Easter to color eggs because the week before was too busy.  Nothing like having the house smell like vinegar, clothes stained and everyone’s fingers a weird shade of purple just as company arrives.  Lesson learned.

My children are all teenagers now, which poses it’s own set of challenges, but I have noticed how some of the traditions have become important to them.  For several years we invited friends over on Halloween for a chili dinner, followed by some trick or treating.  When the kids returned to the house, they set up this elaborate inventory and trade event.  A few years ago I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to bag the whole thing.  My daughter looked at me in disbelief and said, “make a list of what needs to be done and I will take care of it.”  Mind you, I wasn’t canceling Halloween I simply didn’t want to entertain.  The next thing I know the house was sort of clean and she made me a shopping list.  Clearly she wasn’t letting go of this tradition.

Our Annual Labor Day at
Cannon Beach tradition

Two years ago I booked a white water rafting trip down the Deschutes.  Needless to say we had a blast.  This past year I asked the kids if they wanted to do it again to which one of my boys said, “It’s tradition.”  I didn’t realize doing it once made it tradition – but I will go along.  Really any day in which we are all together and they get a long sounds like a dream come true.

Recently a friend told me my son was over at her house hanging out with her son.  After a while my son got up and said he was heading home because his family was “doing something fun” so had to go.  I have no idea what exactly he was referring to, but I like the idea that he felt an urge to come home and spend time with his family.  They might groan when I tell them not to make plans on a certain day so we can have family time, but part of me thinks they actually appreciate it. 

For years the annual Christmas Tree Hunt
ended when someone was in tears.
Somewhere along the line they learned
the fine art of compromise.

This all sounds rather Norman Rockwell-ish, because I can gloss over the time we went on a camping trip without Emily’s bag.  She was left to sort through the boys’ extra clothes and call it good.  Or there was the time when the kids were little and we were on a road trip through California when we suddenly realized Emily’s Pocahontas sleeping bag flew off the top of the car.  Bad things didn’t always happen to Emily though.  We took an extended trip to the east coast one summer and somewhere along the line lost Jack’s special blanky.  Imagine a preschooler on a long vacation without his most precious belonging.  Or there was the time the kids were all working with John in the garden when we noticed Smyth was eating the food scraps in the compost pile.  So you get the idea that not everything we do turns out well.

 I wonder now that we have one away in college if traditions like pumpkin picking and Christmas tree hunting will continue?  Will these traditions morph as they kids get older or will they want to cling to the way we have done them in the past?  Time will tell what traditions we keep, but I know with certainty that I want the kids to have grown up with certain constants in their lives.  So many things around us change, but I hope they have the sense that it doesn’t matter precisely how we did it, but that we did it as a family.