A Mother Can Only Be as Happy as...

When my children were all small a very insightful mom told me "a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child."  This wise mother is John's cousin Jane.  Her boys were in high school and college at the time, and she was staying in Portland because one of her boys was hospitalized here.  That phrase has stayed with me over these years and when things get rough with raising teens, I often reflect back on it.

Six weeks ago Jack was diagnosed with mono.  Certainly not a terminal disease, but one that has brought a lot of stress into our lives.  Although Jack is through with the acute phase of mono, he relapsed and the fatigue drags on as the homework assignments pile up.  Additionally, he does not intrinsically want to eat.  He lost twenty pounds in the first couple of weeks as he had no appetite and it hurt to swallow, so he didn't.  He is slowly putting some meat back on his bones, but it takes reminding and planning.

Jack is a Junior in high school and carries a pretty strenuous class load.  He has three college level classes, two math classes and a foreign language which is much more academic rigor then I ever took!  Now, did I mention he hasn't been in school for the past six weeks and it doesn't look like he is going back any time soon?  Between this and the weight loss, much of what I do revolves around mono.

These last few days I have wrestled with some different strategies for getting Jack caught up before the end of the semester (which is only 21 school days away).  John and I thought that between both our gifts and talents we should be able to teach several of these content areas to Jack and get him caught up.  But did you know that people with mono aren't awake for long periods of time?  Jack can sleep for 14-16 hours straight, be awake for four or five hours, then sleep for another ten hours straight.  It is much easier to figure out a strategy to help him gain back some weight then it is to catch up on the school work!

As I mentioned earlier, I have wrestled with some different educational strategies.  One that was suggested was a getting a Home Teacher from the school district.  It sounds simple on the surface - the student has been out of school for the most part for six weeks so he should qualify for this service.  But, this brings about a boat load of questions for me: How will this look on his college transcript? Will he still be eligible to play basketball once he is healthy? Will they teach the same classes or minimize his current schedule?  Who will issue the grade - the Home Teacher or school teacher?  Now I am sure some of you paused when you read the word basketball, but that is an intergal part of my struggle.  It would be easy for me to tell him "we need to focus on academics and not worry about sports" - but I know basketball is a very strong motivator for Jack.  So on the surface this strategy sounds simple, but the more I think about it, the more complicated it is.  Hence, I have been wrestling with this decision.

So reflecting back on what Jane said so many years ago, I now understand her meaning.  Although Jack is not technically unhappy (tired, and at times crabby), the mono has brought about some parenting stress.  I plan his meals, monitor his caloric intake, call the school everyday, email all his teachers, plan with Jack what one class he can manage to go to the next day, work with him during his peak time to get some work done, triage with Jack and John the assignments, and more.  It is hard to find happiness when juggling all these things and when I look at him I know I am shouldering more of the stress in this situation.  I guess that goes with the parenting role, and what Jane said, "a mother can only be as happy as her least happiest child." 

All three kids - happy at the same time - make for a happy mama.

I pray when this chapter has past I can look back and know I made the right choice.  I signed the paper today that will hopefully bring us help as we dig out of this hole I shall name "the mono pit."  I pray it does not have a negative impact on his ability to play basketball when he is healthy or longer term consequences on his final transcript.  I pray he regains his health soon and is able to return to school full time.  I pray for patience as I seem to have run out.  Most of all, I pray that each of my children will be happy and healthy at the same time, so this mama may also be happy.

I Hate Shopping

I do not find joy in shopping.  It doesn't matter if it is shopping for food, clothes or cowboy boots,  "Retail Therapy" in not in my vocabulary.  I often try to bribe one of my children to go food shopping with me just to make the experience a little more pleasant.  There is probably one exception to this rule of mine and that is if the shopping means I get to spend time with someone I care about, then I will make the sacrifice.

I remember the days of going to Toys R Us
and getting all the gifts for the children.
I didn't realize how easy that was at the time!

Now, you might think this next fact is totally contradictory to the above statement, but hear me out.  I enjoy Black Friday.  I am sure most of you just cringed with that thought, but let me explain.  When the kids were little I could get up at 4am, do all the Christmas shopping and still be back by breakfast.  In those days I longed to do anything by myself, especially since that meant I did not have to contend with the three car seats while listening to Disney songs on the radio, so it worked.  As each of the kids hit middle school age, they began to join me on this annual expedition.  At first I thought, "ugh, now I can't buy their gifts!"  Soon I realized that at the same time they showed interest in joining me, their Christmas list desires usually meant buying them one gift rather then the little things I used to  pick out.  And so it began, a morning in which all three kids willingly wake up before dawn to join me for Black Friday.

Keep in mind, the part about shopping that I like is spending time with people.  We now have a system down pat in which all three kids participate.  We start by making out our strategies after all the Thanksgiving festivities are done.  We each make a list of what we need to buy to eliminate impulse shopping.  Emily prints out the store maps detailing where the items we are interested in are located.  Jack and Smyth help me scan the circulars in Thursday's newspaper and making lists.  Once we have gathered all our data, we make a plan.  So for me, the enjoyment of Black Friday begins with the team work the night before.  The kids each figure out their Christmas budgets and make their lists of people to buy for, all the while I listen carefully to see what each really wants this year.

Research and strategy, together as a team.
That is the part I enjoy!

We view Black Friday as a competitive event in a way.   We aren't competing again each other, but the preparation and execution of Black Friday is like training for a football game.  We don't necessarily go out and practice, but we do come up with something close to a playbook and study it carefully.  We itemize the "plays" in order of importance and scarcity and then commit the strategy to paper.  This preparation part is the key to me enjoying the morning.  Sitting around the table with the kids figuring out the plan of action all the while enjoying the side bar conversations, that is the best part.

Once we are out the door, we operate like a well oiled machine.  We know what to expect at each store so we put our plans into action.  Sometimes that involves having someone immediately grab an empty cart and stand in line while the rest of us scurry about the store grabbing the items on our list.  We use our cell phones to track each other's where abouts and meet back to unload at the cart.  We will rotate out who stands in line so everyone gets a turn shopping.

Teamwork gets us through our list efficiently, with the
goal of not having to go back to the malls between now
and Christmas.

Oddly enough I am at the point where I don't need to go out on Black Friday since the kids typically want specific items.  Yet I find myself wanting to be part of the process just to be with them.  We have made it a bit of a tradition and end up telling stories about it throughout the year.  So when I say "I hate shopping" I really need to clarify that I only hate mundane or pointless shopping, because apparently I have a like for waking up at pre-dawn hours and joining the masses for the busiest shopping day of the year - but with some great company.  And if I played my cards right, I will not have to go out Christmas shopping for another 364 days, and that thought makes me very happy.

It is Hard to Always Look on the Bright Side, Seriously Hard

I always try to be an optimist.  I say "try" because at times it is easier for the pendulum to swing the other way and focus on the negative.  Some situations are easier than others, but it seems that lately I have had to push myself to frame certain experiences in a positive light.  An example of an easier situation is sending Emily off to college.  When I miss her, I immediately remind myself of how great she is doing, how ready for this she is, and we have so many easy ways to stay in touch through social media than when I went off to college.  There, I just put that in a positive frame and I feel better.  But there are situations that just drag me down.  I am certain if I made a pro/con list for these, the cons would out number the pros.  That is when I have  hard time staying positive.  I try to cue myself to think positively, but it doesn't always last long.  Today I realized that maybe I am struggling so much with this because I have two areas in my life that take a lot of energy to stay positive about.  That alone might be the draining factor.  One area is hard enough, but two areas is very stressful.

This is a difficult year to be an educator in my town.  Our District has dealt with the economy over the past couple of years by finding and consolidating resources so there would be minimal impact in the actual classroom.  This year the reserves are spent and any non-classroom cuts were done in previous years, so we experienced a massive wave of teacher lay offs.  Needless to say the stress level is high as we adapt to incredibly large class sizes and a new schedule coupled with learning a new computer system for tracking everything from attendance to grades.  I returned to my middle school this year to find some of my close friends were laid off or transferred to other locations.  I mourn the loss of support from these people in a time when I need it the most.  I try to frame this in a positive light focusing on the fact that I still have a job, I didn't have to move classrooms or buildings, I really like the people still in my building and I still love working with the students.  But then something will trigger all the stress all over again, and I am thinking about the loss all over again.

Maybe I would have the strength to deal with all these changes if I weren't also dealing with some health issues.  Five years ago I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease and experienced a constellation of health issues.  Graves' is an autoimmune disease that starts with difficulties with the thyroid.  I had a tumor twice the size of the normal thyroid gland at the time of my diagnosis.  I experienced everything from a tremor in my hands, heart palpitations, hair loss and insomnia.  After the diagnosis I had issues with anxiety and depression as well.  Once the thyroid was gone and we were able to get my blood levels under control, these symptoms subsided.  I mistakenly thought taking my thyroid medication would prevent me from dealing with any further issues associated with Graves.  I was wrong.

A year ago I noticed a weird swelling above and below one of my eyes.  I noticed it mostly when I put make up on or in photos on me.  People assured me it didn't look odd to them, but as October progressed into November the swelling didn't go away.  I tried icing it, changing out all my make up and resting.  I made an appointment with my eye doctor thinking maybe it was a strange stye or something.  She couldn't find the root of it, but was concerned enough to refer me onto a specialist.  That was a year ago and I have been to three different eye specialists as this continued to progress into the muscles and soft tissues around the eye swelled changing both the structure and movement of the right eye, and causing a vision change.  Each specialist ordered tests and came up with a surgical plan to correct one symptom or another.  Days before the first surgery I went to the third specialist as recommended by the second specialist to rule out Mysthenia Gravis.  He did, but he also ruled out the surgery and did tests and blood work to confirm the ultimate diagnosis.  It was the Graves' Disease flaring up again.  Really?  I thought I was done with that!  My right eye has a small bit of protrusion compared to the left, but not noticeable for most to see.  Basically this diagnosis means I am currently on my way to Marty Feldman eye(s).

In August I started an IV Infusion treatment that will run the course of three months.  Initially it was a struggle, I was anxious about the process and the side effects.  I was also really bummed that the timing meant John couldn't go with me because just like the first time the Graves' Disease flared up, it was football season.  I am blessed with a friend who rearranged her busy schedule to go and sit with me each week, which has reduced my anxiety and frustration immensely.  But the stress remains as I just completed week 10 and I see no difference in the level of swelling.  They have and will again measure through blood work to see if my antibody levels go down, but I see nothing different on the outside.  Surgery will be done, but I think the tissues have to resume their natural state first, and clearly I can't control the timing.

These two factors coinciding have tested my ability to be an optimist.  I can tell you all the blessings in my life, but add one more layer of stress - like food shopping - and I am grumpy as all get out!  Work stress and health issues are not conducive in my world.  So what in this can I control?  I guess it goes back to my attitude.  Of the diseases out there, this one is chronic, but not life threatening.  I have a job doing what I love.  Just frame the positives, deal with the other stuff, but don't let it own me.  I guess I can still be an optimist, as long as I remind myself.  So instead of feeling negative about the insomnia side effect from the IV Infusions, I will just think of it as increased productivity time.  After all, I tend to write these blogs between 1-5am.  That's positive, isn't it?

Family Traditions

Just the kids on Christmas Eve...
too many adults to get in one picture!

I have always been intentional about creating “family traditions.”  We moved away from our immediate family, which meant we had to come up with things that could morph into traditions.  Some have worked, such as inviting anyone from church who didn’t have a better plan, to come to our house for Christmas Eve.  Other attempts at creating a family tradition have not fared as well, such as waiting until Easter to color eggs because the week before was too busy.  Nothing like having the house smell like vinegar, clothes stained and everyone’s fingers a weird shade of purple just as company arrives.  Lesson learned.

My children are all teenagers now, which poses it’s own set of challenges, but I have noticed how some of the traditions have become important to them.  For several years we invited friends over on Halloween for a chili dinner, followed by some trick or treating.  When the kids returned to the house, they set up this elaborate inventory and trade event.  A few years ago I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to bag the whole thing.  My daughter looked at me in disbelief and said, “make a list of what needs to be done and I will take care of it.”  Mind you, I wasn’t canceling Halloween I simply didn’t want to entertain.  The next thing I know the house was sort of clean and she made me a shopping list.  Clearly she wasn’t letting go of this tradition.

Our Annual Labor Day at
Cannon Beach tradition

Two years ago I booked a white water rafting trip down the Deschutes.  Needless to say we had a blast.  This past year I asked the kids if they wanted to do it again to which one of my boys said, “It’s tradition.”  I didn’t realize doing it once made it tradition – but I will go along.  Really any day in which we are all together and they get a long sounds like a dream come true.

Recently a friend told me my son was over at her house hanging out with her son.  After a while my son got up and said he was heading home because his family was “doing something fun” so had to go.  I have no idea what exactly he was referring to, but I like the idea that he felt an urge to come home and spend time with his family.  They might groan when I tell them not to make plans on a certain day so we can have family time, but part of me thinks they actually appreciate it. 

For years the annual Christmas Tree Hunt
ended when someone was in tears.
Somewhere along the line they learned
the fine art of compromise.

This all sounds rather Norman Rockwell-ish, because I can gloss over the time we went on a camping trip without Emily’s bag.  She was left to sort through the boys’ extra clothes and call it good.  Or there was the time when the kids were little and we were on a road trip through California when we suddenly realized Emily’s Pocahontas sleeping bag flew off the top of the car.  Bad things didn’t always happen to Emily though.  We took an extended trip to the east coast one summer and somewhere along the line lost Jack’s special blanky.  Imagine a preschooler on a long vacation without his most precious belonging.  Or there was the time the kids were all working with John in the garden when we noticed Smyth was eating the food scraps in the compost pile.  So you get the idea that not everything we do turns out well.

 I wonder now that we have one away in college if traditions like pumpkin picking and Christmas tree hunting will continue?  Will these traditions morph as they kids get older or will they want to cling to the way we have done them in the past?  Time will tell what traditions we keep, but I know with certainty that I want the kids to have grown up with certain constants in their lives.  So many things around us change, but I hope they have the sense that it doesn’t matter precisely how we did it, but that we did it as a family.

The Family Dynamic

Dan, Kate, John, Mom and Pat

I am the youngest of four and the only girl.  There is a fourteen-year age difference between my oldest brother and me.  This actually was a huge blessing for me as we lost our Dad when I was 17.  I believe these three factors created an interesting dynamic among us. 

Some of my earliest memories of the two oldest boys are from their late high school years, and I specifically remember in preschool sending Pat letters when he was in college.  To a preschooler “letters” meant: A A A A A A A A B B B B, and so on.  Clearly I was still a literal thinker at that point in my development.  I also remember engraving letters on the living room coffee table with a set of car keys one brother left there, but I digress.  By the time I was in 5^th grade Dan and Pat had finished college and married their high school sweethearts.  John was close to finishing high school at that point.  By the time I was in junior high I was the only child living at home.  So basically half my childhood involved my brothers in the home, and half was similar to being an only child with the addition of these adult men around for family gatherings. 

Pat taking me for a ride on our cousins' pony. 

We developed strong relationships, but different from what you would expect if we were closer in age.  I couldn’t compete with them fairly in any games, though John did enjoy beating me in Monopoly and chess.  I could swim faster, but since they are all at or above the six-foot mark, they often beat my small stature in the dive.  But still, we did lots of things together, just not your typical “growing up together” stuff.

Throughout my childhood our family was rooted in traditions, so even though the older boys didn’t live under the same roof we shared these traditions, which contributed to our closeness.  The brothers who lived nearby were part of the same church family and each Sunday we shared a large Sunday brunch that included our neighbors, the Cullinanes.  Each week any member of either family could count on scrambled eggs, fresh rolls, orange juice, coffee and bacon.  Both families had large homes, yards and pools so when it was hot everyone gathered for swimming and a barbeque.  The same people gathered for Christmas and birthdays.  These traditions kept my brothers and their growing families around the old homestead, and me.

Some of the family in Breckenridge for Ryan and Lauren's wedding

My oldest brother Dan entered the air force after college.  As newlyweds he and Stephanie traveled to Texas, California, New Hampshire and Ohio.   I remember spending Spring Break in New Hampshire with my sister-in-law’s youngest sister.  I think Dan ended up being on “Alert” all week, but we had a blast learning to macramé hanging plant holders!  When my parents wanted to get away for the weekend I could stay with Pat and Peggy, who lived closer to us.  John married a little later in life but I have fond memories of when he began his professional career.  He lived local and didn’t have a washer or dryer so paid me to do his laundry.  That was a win-win for both of us.  During that time he would take me out for dinner about once a month, which was a real treat in the late 70’s.

As adults we all had children of our own over the course of 20+ years.  During that time, we each moved in different directions as well.  I have the youngest of the nieces and nephews for obvious reasons.  To give you an idea of the age spread, Smyth was born about ten days after my second oldest niece graduated from college.  Besides the age difference, this generation of Bradys is faced with geographic challenges.  Both John and I put roots down on the west coast, he in Southern California and me in the Northwest.  Once Dan was finished with his military service, his family stayed in the east.  Pat ended up spending a couple of decades moving around, mostly on the eastern seaboard, but there was a stint in California.

My lovely mom and beautiful sister-in-laws

Once the West Coast siblings had children, the sister-in-laws decided to make a concerted effort to have family reunions so all the cousins could be together at once.  Although we traveled to see each other, it was important to gather everyone at one time so the cousins could all make connections.  The first was right after Emily was born and we held it in New Jersey.  The next one was shortly after Jack was born and was more of a “destination” reunion.  We rented condos on Lake Tahoe and had a blast.  The last big one we had was in Sunriver, Oregon.  By this time the oldest cousins were college age and often couldn’t get time off or were away on their own summer adventures.  Within a few years our family reunions morphed into gathering for one of the nieces or nephews weddings.  Time does march on, but it still gave us reason to gather everyone at one time.

Fun in the sun with nieces and sister-in-laws

These days all of the nieces and nephews are adults with the exception of Jack and Smyth.  Some live near each other and some have traveled off to different states.  It has been fun to watch the cousin relationships mature over the years and to see their interactions with the aunts, uncles and grandparents.  It is nice to see the intentionality of the cousins to gather together for weddings, births of children or a simple barbeque.  It is also beautiful to watch them honor their grandmother with visits, computer help, clothes shopping and making her eggplant Parmesan.  I paint an ideal picture of our family life, but there have been bumps in the road for all of us.  That however is a different essay, and I dare not digress in that direction.

Watching the interactions of this next generation of Bradys has made me realize a couple of things.  First, there are times I feel closer to my nieces in our season of life, than my brothers.  Part of that is an illusion on my part of thinking I am younger than my years and part might be the girl connection.  My brothers still have an important role in my life, but given our age difference it is what I would term a loving mentor relationship.  I have spent many a tax season on the phone with Pat and John is my go-to for computer and software help.  Dan works on household projects when he visits, installing thermostats and touching up paint.  Each of my brothers married women I consider friends and practically sisters.   I feel incredibly blessed to have the support and connections with my brothers and sister-in-laws, for they have helped shape me into the adult I am today. 

Still, I feel a strong connection to my nieces and nephews who have grown into incredible, caring adults.  I love who they are and the relationship they have with each other and my children.  Some of my nieces helped Emily navigate through some bumps in the road during high school, which drew them even closer.  Jack is starting to look at colleges and is intrigued by some of the nephews’ alma maters.  And Smyth, well he just knows there is a whole lot of loving whenever he sees his cousins.  All that leaves me smiling, knowing that my kids feel part of something bigger than our little family.  They know there are a whole lot of cousins, aunts and uncles and a couple of grandmothers who all have their backs.  That is the dynamic I love, and it is one that came about with intention.  With that said, it is time for another wedding gathering, and luckily for us there is one on the horizon.

Girls' Weekend

I am in the season of life where the kids' schedules are written in ink while my plans are lightly etched in pencil on the calendar.  I am organized so I can be spontaneous - as long as the calendar has a free spot.  During my stay-at-home-mom years, the art of overseeing five people's schedules was honed, and at times mirrored the skills of an air traffic controller.  Sports, medical appointments, school, volunteering, and car pools were each color coded to represent each family member.  Each week in the planner also had the day's dinner menu.  Needless to say I love my planner and array of highlighters.

This past week I had cleared a spot for me to undergo and recover from a minor medical procedure.  I carefully drew a line through three days of the week to account for my pre-op, procedure and post-op appointments and planned that my husband would accompany me.  On the fourth day I wrote in pencil "Girls' Weekend at Triangle."  This is an annual event my friend Sheri plans and hosts at her lake house, and I have never been able to attend.  This year I somewhat held my breath in anticipation that it might work.


Sometimes life throws curve balls at us, plans change and we need to look hard to find the silver lining.  Other times we only need to see the pencil markings on the calendar for our "Plan B."  So there it was, "Girls' Weekend at Triangle."  While I wrestled with the change in the surgery schedule, I consoled myself with the idea that I could drive a few hours to spend some time with some girl friends.  OK, not a bad "Plan B" after all.  As I threw some things in my overnight bag the excitement began to increase.

Friday night summer traffic is a pain because it makes the trip longer as well as gives me more time to ponder.  My thoughts turn to figuring out who will be there this weekend.  I will know two or three, but that leaves at least four that I have never met.  Then I began to second guess myself: what if these ladies pack their Chico's outfits?  What if they all have pedicures?  Ugh. When I go to the lake I tend to wear old tee shirts, shorts, and flip flops with the same sweatshirt each night.  I won't even describe how my feet look this time of year.  As I creep a little further down the freeway another thought comes to mind: who cares?  With those two simple words I decide that whatever I packed is fine because the bottom line is the women I call "friends" don't care how I dress or what my toes look like.  And I doubt my friends would want to hang out with shallow women anyway.  So I will be fine, naked toes and all - right?

When I arrive, my friend Sheri runs over to the car just as soon as I pull in.  It is clear by the look on her face that she is so excited to have me there.  As she ushers me in and introduces me to her other friends I am greeted with all the right words to make me feel at home.  Why would I even think these lovely women would care about my wardrobe?

That evening and the following day were spent telling funny stories and catching up on life's events.  By the end of the weekend I knew my circle of friends had grown.  I walked into the lake house knowing two of the women and left considering them all my friends.

My drive back up the freeway gave me more time to think.  We seem to pass through chapters of life: childhood, high school, college, career, marriage, children (insert or delete to customize for each person's life).  With each chapter we share ourselves with friends who are often passing through the same season of life, as well as those we simply hold close.  As I continued to think about this I realized that there are often chapters in my life when I get so caught up in my family or job, that connecting with friends in a meaningful way is often last on the to do list.  I need to recognize that time needs to be set aside to nurture the friendships.  I schedule my family's activities in my planner weekly, so what would happen if there was already something written there in ink for me?  I think they will survive and I will be a better wife and mom for taking time for myself.  There is true value in friendship.