It is Hard to Always Look on the Bright Side, Seriously Hard

I always try to be an optimist.  I say "try" because at times it is easier for the pendulum to swing the other way and focus on the negative.  Some situations are easier than others, but it seems that lately I have had to push myself to frame certain experiences in a positive light.  An example of an easier situation is sending Emily off to college.  When I miss her, I immediately remind myself of how great she is doing, how ready for this she is, and we have so many easy ways to stay in touch through social media than when I went off to college.  There, I just put that in a positive frame and I feel better.  But there are situations that just drag me down.  I am certain if I made a pro/con list for these, the cons would out number the pros.  That is when I have  hard time staying positive.  I try to cue myself to think positively, but it doesn't always last long.  Today I realized that maybe I am struggling so much with this because I have two areas in my life that take a lot of energy to stay positive about.  That alone might be the draining factor.  One area is hard enough, but two areas is very stressful.

This is a difficult year to be an educator in my town.  Our District has dealt with the economy over the past couple of years by finding and consolidating resources so there would be minimal impact in the actual classroom.  This year the reserves are spent and any non-classroom cuts were done in previous years, so we experienced a massive wave of teacher lay offs.  Needless to say the stress level is high as we adapt to incredibly large class sizes and a new schedule coupled with learning a new computer system for tracking everything from attendance to grades.  I returned to my middle school this year to find some of my close friends were laid off or transferred to other locations.  I mourn the loss of support from these people in a time when I need it the most.  I try to frame this in a positive light focusing on the fact that I still have a job, I didn't have to move classrooms or buildings, I really like the people still in my building and I still love working with the students.  But then something will trigger all the stress all over again, and I am thinking about the loss all over again.

Maybe I would have the strength to deal with all these changes if I weren't also dealing with some health issues.  Five years ago I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease and experienced a constellation of health issues.  Graves' is an autoimmune disease that starts with difficulties with the thyroid.  I had a tumor twice the size of the normal thyroid gland at the time of my diagnosis.  I experienced everything from a tremor in my hands, heart palpitations, hair loss and insomnia.  After the diagnosis I had issues with anxiety and depression as well.  Once the thyroid was gone and we were able to get my blood levels under control, these symptoms subsided.  I mistakenly thought taking my thyroid medication would prevent me from dealing with any further issues associated with Graves.  I was wrong.

A year ago I noticed a weird swelling above and below one of my eyes.  I noticed it mostly when I put make up on or in photos on me.  People assured me it didn't look odd to them, but as October progressed into November the swelling didn't go away.  I tried icing it, changing out all my make up and resting.  I made an appointment with my eye doctor thinking maybe it was a strange stye or something.  She couldn't find the root of it, but was concerned enough to refer me onto a specialist.  That was a year ago and I have been to three different eye specialists as this continued to progress into the muscles and soft tissues around the eye swelled changing both the structure and movement of the right eye, and causing a vision change.  Each specialist ordered tests and came up with a surgical plan to correct one symptom or another.  Days before the first surgery I went to the third specialist as recommended by the second specialist to rule out Mysthenia Gravis.  He did, but he also ruled out the surgery and did tests and blood work to confirm the ultimate diagnosis.  It was the Graves' Disease flaring up again.  Really?  I thought I was done with that!  My right eye has a small bit of protrusion compared to the left, but not noticeable for most to see.  Basically this diagnosis means I am currently on my way to Marty Feldman eye(s).

In August I started an IV Infusion treatment that will run the course of three months.  Initially it was a struggle, I was anxious about the process and the side effects.  I was also really bummed that the timing meant John couldn't go with me because just like the first time the Graves' Disease flared up, it was football season.  I am blessed with a friend who rearranged her busy schedule to go and sit with me each week, which has reduced my anxiety and frustration immensely.  But the stress remains as I just completed week 10 and I see no difference in the level of swelling.  They have and will again measure through blood work to see if my antibody levels go down, but I see nothing different on the outside.  Surgery will be done, but I think the tissues have to resume their natural state first, and clearly I can't control the timing.

These two factors coinciding have tested my ability to be an optimist.  I can tell you all the blessings in my life, but add one more layer of stress - like food shopping - and I am grumpy as all get out!  Work stress and health issues are not conducive in my world.  So what in this can I control?  I guess it goes back to my attitude.  Of the diseases out there, this one is chronic, but not life threatening.  I have a job doing what I love.  Just frame the positives, deal with the other stuff, but don't let it own me.  I guess I can still be an optimist, as long as I remind myself.  So instead of feeling negative about the insomnia side effect from the IV Infusions, I will just think of it as increased productivity time.  After all, I tend to write these blogs between 1-5am.  That's positive, isn't it?